Small Me

When I was young I was the small me. This small me had been there since I remember myself or lets say since I have been me.

It was the same small me who the big boys bullied in park, who got excited on winning the local cricket game, who cried when he was not appointed captain of the Gandhi house in school, who was afraid of sleeping alone in the dark, was jealous of other boys getting higher marks in a class test.

It was again that small me, who gradually learned that since he was beaten up regularly at home, life was overall scary and that it was better to avoid expression altogether than to be chastised for it. It was same small me who realized that he was alone in the world and however painful that made it, he had to learn to survive on his own. If he had to manage the nurture wounds, small me learnt, he had to sweep away their pain to a place, where it was not visible. He learnt to distance himself from his emotions.

Innocent emotional strategies of the small me paradoxically locked him into me.So when time came for the Big Me to emerge, small me was too clingy and scared to let go. He surmised if he were to exhale, his entire pain management architecture will fall and he will have to confront his real inadequate self and years of hoarded pain would come gushing back. That was too hard to handle.

Big Me though was wise and had a collaborator. Life.

In partnership,the emerging Big Me and life, created objective situations where pain became external and seeped into daily life first as anxiety and then as addiction. The internal feelings which scared the little me were outside and present like sunlight. They now could not be swept away and had to be faced.

As pain threshold was reached and panic set in, small me was forced to seek help. Big me, waiting for this opportunity started first by nurturing the small me. It reassured him that inspite of thinking himself as alone, Big Me was always there in the background watching over him. So in effect he was never alone. Then Big Me gave him a vision of his real self, his 3 Dimensional Viraat Roop.

First he displayed how to value real feelings, initially by recognizing them and then by letting them play out without any edits. This acceptance of feelings on as it is basis, was critical as small me was always busy in their flow management. Furthermore Big Me encouraged small me to open up, express them fully and act on them.

Next Big me showed the small me that he had a very poor vision of himself as he was not just a narrow trickle but an infinite resource pool. This subconscious pool could not be defined or categorized but could be proved to exist. This hidden treasure turned small me’s conception of himself around, as beggar was now a king.

Lastly Big me instructed small me to relax in every situation and turn it over to him. Big me was equal to all of them and fully capable of getting better of them.

“Outsource all situation handling to me as I am designed for it but you stay around to continue to play”, Big Me told him.

Slowly, the small me learnt to experience fully, trust implicitly and relax completely.

The BIG ME had arrived.

Capitalism at its core mandates that profits are to be radically privatised, while cost of doing business is to be maximally socialised. Governments are the lame watchdogs for this doctrine of unrelenting greed. Go Figure, the world that we live in………

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