I know you will be surprised to receive this letter from me. It has been almost seven years since we last met.
I do not know if wounds of betrayal have closed for you or if they still fester somewhere deep down. There is a saying that more you give of yourself more you are given of yourself. That was certainly true in our long togetherness. You surrendered without constrain and I gave without calculations. Of that higher reality which we could only reach together, we were so grateful. You remember we talked of how lucky we were that we were able to experience this overwhelming and fulfilling love.
The mere act of doing things for you, to see a compliment first rendered in your eyes and then translating in your smile was to see poetry getting written. To hold your deep throated laughter in my hands, to carry your twinkle in my nights, to feel your energy stirring me up even after you were not there,were acts of magic. I am not a jeweler but I thought your tears, whenever they came were priceless. We both discovered and drank from the fountain that quenches lifelong thirst.
But then I had to leave. I left not because there was anything wrong in our relationship or that it was not working out or that I was a heartless jerk or that my purpose was served in using you. I left because I had to.That was the path. I do not know how to explain this or if you will ever understand but I strongly felt that that was where I had to get off. I did not have a choice as it was the only thing I could do.
You wailed, you howled, you cursed me and I maintained my silence. You moved heavens to get me back but I was not gone anywhere in the first place. I was standing right next to you blocking you. You recounted for me the memories and times we shared as though I would forget any of it. You cried copiously and I could but helplessly see those priceless pearls sketching messy furrows on your cheeks. Finally after months of prayers and pushing, threats and thrusts, desperation and despair, you gave up.
I have been silently watching you ever since. From the photo chronology that you post online I can see that now after such a long time, you seem happy again. You have started to socialize with friends and your latest pics of the group outing were a marvel. I simply loved your new hair cut. Life is back at treating you as its princess and I am genuinely thrilled about it. Hence this small note for you.
I wanted to tell you today, I am not even half the man that I used to be with you. My desires are dead, my will abandoned and my vitality ( that you so liked) gone. Though my soul departed seven years ago I will continue dutifully; bearing this body to its grave. Not all crosses are wooden as some are of flesh and blood too. Please know that I do not seek anything else but for you to be the happiest person on the planet. Also if you can ever bring yourself to it, do forgive me for what I did and for who I am.