It was nine years ago when we moved away on different paths.
You must not have wanted to leave as I did not want to go however there comes a time when staying together is more difficult than staying apart. It is not your fault. You were made the way you were made. I hope it was not my fault either. You taught me to be me. We were probably meant to meet accidentally, love desperately but were never meant to stay together happily.
In years gone by, I have realized that one of the most difficult things to do is to feel yourself. Where does one start? Is this routine, mood swings, frustration, joy, anger who I am? Is the anxiety I feel when I anticipate something bad or the awkwardness that wells up while encountering something new, actually me. I had always gone from wave to wave, trying to figure myself out.
However near you, for the first time, I was able to feel the real me. I came to a rest and you introduced me to myself . That introduction, dear love, was a cathartic experience. I was purged of my self doubts and confusion. The parts of me that I did not know existed, became visible. You accepted me so completely that I fell in love with myself.
Our togetherness was peaceful, calming and energizing. You celebrated the women in me as I affirmed the man in you. We were always close, in embrace and congested. With you, I would often choke, with happiness.
You remember we never fought when together. We did not struggle for power, jostle for space or push for time. We did not suspect each other of going behind our backs nor ever accused the other of stretching our presence. Our relation was so complete that during those four years, I did not even discuss it once with my close friends lest they got jealous of me.
However all good things have a tenure. That January morning, when it had rained all night, you told me that you had to leave. I had asked, if you will come back. You had stayed silent not replying. While you were wiping silent tears from my eyes and holding me, I knew the answer. However beauty of our relation was that I did not ask you anything else and you did not explain anything more, yet our communication was complete. I released you as you had released me.
Not a day has gone by since, when I do not recall presence of your being, smell of your after-shave or tone of your voice. The feel of your hands on my body, the salty taste of your sweat, the staircase of your laughter still stir the depths of my being. Your words might have been erased from the air but they are etched in my mind. I can still quote you verbatim.
Having experienced both phases of love, with you and without you, I have lived a lifetime. I did get married, as I know you would have wanted me to. I have two children and they are beautiful. I love them to distraction. I am friends with my husband and he is a real nice person. We share a comfortable partnership of equals.
By all measures I am living a normal life now, however strangely from inside, it does not feel normal at all. It is still a celebration of meaning and a feast of senses. The fact is that you never broke my heart; having captured it you just never gave it back and I am so eternally grateful to you for that as for everything else.
I sincerely hope life has been as kind and as complete for you as you made it for me.
Farewell. My love. Look after yourself.
PS: Since I do not know your current whereabouts, I am dropping this letter unaddressed at the post office with the hope that my gratitude will find a way to reach you.